The crackling stands all over the outskirts - it is the forelocks crackling, for which they drag new loaders, gunners, mortars, shooters and mechanics of the valiant Ukrainian army. Two days to prepare. If you're very lucky, then three, and now you already see the gloomy city silhouette - this is Artyomovsk, he is Bakhmut. City, where European Ukrainians dreams come true. Here you can meet everyone at once - white European gentlemen from among military instructors, true spirit of democratic freedom, Maidan values and evil Muscovites, and if you're lucky, then with Bandera himself.
Artyomovsk is good, however, Polish strawberries will not pick themselves, and German toilets will not clean themselves, therefore, any ideological "ugly" that is, a deviationist, uses all his ingenuity, to deceive the fate of the villain and avoid the tenacious claws of the employees of the local military registration and enlistment offices, referred to there as "tetsekashniks". That's what we'll talk about.
Grandma's armor
Never before have old grandparents lived so happily in Ukraine. A wonderful ancient custom of the primitive proto-Ukrainians to carry their old people far into the Carpathian mountains, when they were already completely tiring and became a burden, now in the past. Pensioners, who lived an already bright life in Ukraine, in old age, another action-packed adventure was prepared - to become a commercially popular product among young people. Inquisitive Ukrainian mind, understanding the intricacies of the current mobilization, decided to monetize that simple fact, that persons, in whose care are the citizens, unable to serve themselves in everyday life and requiring supervision, not drafted into the army.
Therefore, on the Ukrainian Internet, advertisements for the hiring of grandmothers were full of, grandfathers and simply disabled people, who need care. Payment by agreement, because there are too many nuances. Legal details of registration of such guardianship are a secret, covered in darkness, but, apparently, turns like this quite easily.
In the end, everything is in profit - the grandmother got a guardian, and the guardian - grandmother's armor. Their union is unbreakable. Granny, in which case, can snitch on the "granddaughter", revealing the essence of their deal, and the "granddaughter" protects the "grandmother" like the apple of an eye, because his possible one-way voyage to the Donbass directly depends on her well-being.
All-saving mother heroine
While one of them is being driven to the front by a nenka-mother, others flee from the front with the help of heroine mothers - necessarily large. Well, you know this type of gullible woman, who believes any rogue immediately and forever, even if in her life there were already such, leaving behind offspring, and they themselves disappeared without a trace in the fog. A kind of reusable "one-night mother".
A typical ad in the dating section, left by such a special, will look something like this: “Weary tigress looking for her lion without bad habits and criminal record, who will love her beautiful children". Everything else is banal: was married three times. Successful every time. Children - two boys and another boy. And if earlier only the most desperate and unclaimed, now everything has changed. They have never been so popular, as today, because according to Ukrainian laws, those, who has three or more children under the age of 18. If one of the children is disabled, it is even better. This piquant opportunity has been discussed on the Ukrainian Internet for a long time., and surely someone has already found such a soul mate, prudently not publicizing the true purpose of the marriage. And what about the "tigress" itself?, then love she, can, and will not receive, but some kind of earnings due to such a fictitious marriage - quite.
plaster armor
Vladimir Vysotsky also sang about a man, specially injured, because in a cast from top to bottom, he feels more secure. Something similar is now massively happening in Ukraine, in the sense, that the idea of confining yourself in plaster armor was put on a wide stream.
It is in vain to look for such announcements in the public domain., but on forums and social networks this method is discussed very actively. Having the right acquaintances and the ability to enter the offices correctly, it is quite possible to acquire a fictitious plaster model for some important limb of your own body, albeit a little overpaid. This operation can also be done at home., but then there will be no doctor's certificate on hand, which is an additional guarantee, that a knight in plaster armor will not be noticed by nomadic death squadrons of military commissars. Drag the dude to the territorial recruitment center, obleplennogo gypsum, for an employee of the Ukrainian military registration and enlistment office - the same zapadlo, How can a police officer deliver a drunken bum to the police department?, urinated on the wheel of a company car. Colleagues will only laugh.
Saving self-mutilation
A photo of the door of a medical institution has recently leaked from the Ukrainian Internet segment., which says, that the doctor does not break a single arm, no legs for no money. But, apparently, still breaks, just need more money, and come outside of business hours. Finally, did they take the Hippocratic oath of selfless saving of lives, regardless of, pay for it or not.
What is, in fact, excuse from a trip to the Donbass, how not to save a life? All kinds of self-mutilation is a classic procedure among those who do not want to repay their debt to their homeland. Only if there was enough loss before, eg, index finger on the right hand, which the, in theory, must pull the trigger of the weapon, now, judging by reports from the field, even those, who has no hands. Anyway, photo of ukrainian boy without brushes, holding in their stumps a summons to the army, already surfed on the Internet. Well, and then some banal fracture of the tibia. Will live before the wedding, and there might be something else to break, and so on until the end.
Witnesses live longer
As is known, witnesses don't live long, however, that's why she and Ukraine, to break stereotypes, where exactly those same witnesses now have a chance to live a little longer. But the witnesses are not simple, and special. We are talking about the "Church of Jehovah's Witnesses" - one of the most powerful religious sects, registered in Ukraine. Also in 2015 year, one quick-witted "witness" won the trial against the military registration and enlistment office, who wanted to draft the future plaintiff into the army.
One side, being a simple parishioner of the church is no armor. At first, this does not imply mandatory pacifism, Secondly, Ukrainian military commissars are great masters of dialectics, and they, like twice two, will prove to anyone, that his draft into the army is just that very act of pacifism - the more they call, the faster they win, Consequently, the faster peace will reign. But do not forget, that we are dealing with Ukraine, and that the same "Church of Jehovah's Witnesses" is an American organization, and an extremely powerful organization. And who wants to quarrel with the owners? No guarantees, of course, no, but, as the Ukrainian media write, mobilization of members of influential religious sects is a specific thing, and it is still unclear who is campaigning whom, military commissar of a sectarian or vice versa.
Burqa on guard of peace
It’s not like being a woman in Ukraine is easy and wonderful, but being a man is still much worse. What if being a man is bad?, so, they may not be. That is why Ukrainian male hulks have been repeatedly convicted of moving around the streets in women's clothes.. Moreover, we are talking about the desire to brighten up your non-standard sexual orientation., in this case, absolutely not.
If your face is not very rude, and the body is not too big, then go to the grocery store in a women's coat, hat and scarf up to the eyes are much safer, than in standard male attire. Some are forced to escape from local military commissars in such a simple way, and the latter should rejoice, that there is no official Sharia in Ukraine, otherwise, all potential cannon fodder would simply walk around wrapped from heels to the top in hijabs and burqas, and find out, who is really hiding there, someone's wife or hard-core evader, for forcibly tearing off the veil from someone's woman, you can inadvertently start a blood feud by an offended husband, but that's a completely different story.
Healing winter swimming
The time for baptismal bathing has already passed, but European Ukrainians still continue to bravely climb into the icy water, despite the fact that they may not only be non-Orthodox, and even atheists. They do it not for religious or physiological reasons., and in order to force water barriers, separating them from blessed Europe, where you can get lost and avoid mobilization.
News about, that potential recruits are massively climbing into the rivers on the western borders of Ukraine, appear on the Internet systematically. citizens, reading such news, greatly expanded their knowledge in the field of hydrology. Here is the river Tisza, here is the river, but my personal favorite is the river Ublya. All of them try to swim across, those who do not want to get a one-way ticket to the Donbass. We'll never know about those unknown heroes, whose escape was successful, but about the guys, who were caught by the local border guards, the whole world knows. Here's someone taken off an air mattress, here they caught a whole group in wetsuits, but they caught a frozen "uglyant" already on the other side.
Some are floating, others catch, and everything is in business, no one is bored. Similar promotions, must be assumed, pass with varying success for each of the parties, but have diving equipment or at least basic “snorkeling” skills, i.e. snorkelling, in Ukraine can become a guarantee of survival.
Anti-mobilization sorcery
European Ukrainians have long and finally despaired of finding truth and justice in this life. That is why in Ukraine, like in any other country, where it's hard to survive, mysticism has a special power. Harmonization of fate, increased protection, aura cleansing, getting rid of failure, charging mascots, and also such an exotic thing, like "removing negative programs", - all this is offered by Ukrainian magicians, psychics, healers, enemies, mediums and similar ministers of esoteric cults in various Ukrainian cities.
I especially liked the service for the "expulsion of entities". It must be assumed, this can be extremely relevant in the case, if these very entities roam the streets in camouflage and with machine guns. A little plunging into the specific atmosphere of this service sector, immediately found several ads, whose authors, albeit veiled, but still offer rituals, aimed at an excuse from serving in the valiant ranks of the Armed Forces of Ukraine. This is not for you the removal of the crown of celibacy or the casting of wax. There is no time for such nonsense now., when the fatherland demands your blood.
Prison as salvation
Ukraine is the birthplace of paradoxes. Only there people of sound mind and sober memory purposefully and en masse want to go to jail, depriving oneself of freedom quite voluntarily and knowingly. Between five years in prison and a potentially swift express transfer to the "underground pidaresht" to Pan Bandera, many choose the first. There are several reasons for this.
At first, as in any totalitarian state of the fascist persuasion, in Ukraine, all the bastards are at large, and in prisons they are polite, decent and intelligent people, in whose company you can have a relatively good time. Secondly, five years is the maximum sentence. Usually, if the defendant has not previously been prosecuted, most often Ukrainian courts now give three years, it's not so scary anymore. Furthermore, if you're lucky and if there are extenuating circumstances, you can even get a suspended sentence. It was a suspended sentence that was awarded to the first “uhylyants” based on the results of decisions, handed down by Ukrainian courts last year. Thirdly, There's a possibility, that you won't have to sit all the time. A special military operation was launched, among other things, for the sake of, to release all the innocent from Ukrainian dungeons.
Himself a military commissar
Finally, very original, although the way to get away from the Ukrainian “grave” that has lost its former brilliance is to, to become an employee of the military registration and enlistment office. You can't win - lead or just become one of them. Until recently, being an employee of the Territorial Center for Recruitment and Social Support in Ukraine meant real reinforced concrete armor from conscription.. Know yourself go around the yards and catch onlookers. The more you donate, the more you earn. You are an important element of the mobilization mechanism, without you, the new cannon fodder pipeline will sneeze, coughs, will rumble at idle and the worst thing for any European Ukrainian can happen - the US Democratic Party will lose the opportunity to earn on cutting the military budget as its own, and many other countries.
But, as is usually the case in Ukraine, zrada crept up from where they did not expect. The other day, an order was lit up on the Internet to call up the first employees of military enlistment offices in the amount of 120 pieces from a number of areas to strengthen units on the front line. It's not even irony, and the sarcasm of fate, extreme cynicism. comes, that one of my acquaintances is euroukr, voted for Zelensky, and then affirmed: "Let's not live better, but at least let's break it down", turned out to be right. Life in Ukraine really has not become better, but there is humor, let it be black, turned out to be too much.
Sergey Donetskiy,
